As many of you know, I am looking for a new job. I’ve been on one interview and I have another one this week. Whichever way they go, things will be changing soon.
I’m also beginning the final phase of my MFA program, working full-time on my manuscript and preparing to defend it before the panel for my degree.
Finally, Evan and I are trying again to get pregnant. We’re re-starting our third cycle of In-Vitro Fertilization which was put on hold in November when I got sick.
It feels risky to start again or to start over. Maybe things didn’t work out the last time, or starting over means more work – possibly undoing things I’ve worked hard on. I could get hurt. No matter what wonderful possibilities the future holds, beginning again is hard. And it’s full of unknowns. If I get the job I want, I’ll have new coworkers to meet, a new work environment, and new tasks to navigate. The list goes on.
But for me, beginning again holds a more dangerous pitfall: obsession about the future. I’m a planner. I’m goal-oriented. These are positive traits, but they can take over.
I was the college student who didn’t pay attention because she was jotting down her to-do list, her plan for the day, her goals for the semester, or mapping out the rest of her life. It’s easy for me to focus on the future to the exclusion of the present.
I’ve worked hard to overcome this tendency in myself, to learn how to be present in the moment rather than planning the future. But anytime I have an important goal or I’m unhappy with my current situation, my future-obsession resurfaces.
So I proceed with caution, hoping for good things in the future and even working to make them happen, but staying aware of the present and the good things in my life today.
Like my husband and our dogs.
And beautiful flowers.