Ellie Smith

 This post feels a little hypocritical given the topic of my last one, but it is a time of change for me, it just happens to coincide with the new year!

As many of you know, I am looking for a new job. I’ve been on one interview and I have another one this week. Whichever way they go, things will be changing soon.

I’m also beginning the final phase of my MFA program, working full-time on my manuscript and preparing to defend it before the panel for my degree.

Finally, Evan and I are trying again to get pregnant. We’re re-starting our third cycle of In-Vitro Fertilization which was put on hold in November when I got sick.

It feels risky to start again or to start over. Maybe things didn’t work out the last time, or starting over means more work – possibly undoing things I’ve worked hard on. I could get hurt. No matter what wonderful possibilities the future holds, beginning again is hard. And it’s full of unknowns. If I get the job I want, I’ll have new coworkers to meet, a new work environment, and new tasks to navigate. The list goes on.

But for me, beginning again holds a more dangerous pitfall: obsession about the future. I’m a planner. I’m goal-oriented. These are positive traits, but they can take over.

I was the college student who didn’t pay attention because she was jotting down her to-do list, her plan for the day, her goals for the semester, or mapping out the rest of her life. It’s easy for me to focus on the future to the exclusion of the present.

I’ve worked hard to overcome this tendency in myself, to learn how to be present in the moment rather than planning the future. But anytime I have an important goal or I’m unhappy with my current situation, my future-obsession resurfaces.

So I proceed with caution, hoping for good things in the future and even working to make them happen, but staying aware of the present and the good things in my life today.

Like my husband and our dogs.

And beautiful flowers.

Happy New Year everyone! Now that the calendar has turned to 2012, we can all partake in the great American pastime of remaking ourselves. Every media outlet celebrates this holiday as a chance to make resolutions: to stop overeating, overspending, watching too much TV, and ignoring your dog. If you’re really progressive, your resolution might even be to stop beating up on yourself for not keeping resolutions. But doesn’t this all miss the point?

While I like the idea of getting a second chance or a new beginning, how does New Year’s offer us this? Who really looks back on their life and says, “I was lazy and selfish until New Year’s Day 2012, and then I was different.” In other words, nothing changes on New Year’s Day. We’re in a new calendar year, but we’re still the same people with the same problems, still trying to be different. But we fail.

I’m really not trying to be negative. But I don’t think any substantive change is possible till we recognize that it takes more than a disco ball and a few bars of “Auld Lang Syne” to transform our brokenness. The truth is, if we had our lives to do over again, we’d do exactly the same thing, because that is who we are.

So what can New Year’s offer us? The main thing New Year’s offers us is a chance to look back, to take stock of who we are and where we’re going. The calendar year is a great tool for tracking failures and accomplishments within a specific timeframe, and therefore a chance to see what we wish were different about our lives. But it’s what we do with that information that matters.

I stopped making resolutions years ago, mainly because I hated failing. It felt hypocritical to say I was going to do something and then lack the willpower to follow through. But that doesn’t mean I stopped trying to change. Now, instead of resolutions, I have goals. It may seem like a meaningless distinction, but pursuing goals instead of making resolutions freed me up to fail. A goal is something we work toward with the expectation that we will fail numerous times along the way. And that’s okay. Change takes commitment. It requires relentless pursuit of a goal. And if we give up the first time we fail, we will never achieve our goals.

Aside from the actual achievement of our goals, this process offers us the opportunity for personal growth. We learn to accept ourselves as we are, and we learn the discipline to keep working toward something in the face of adversity. And isn’t discipline at the heart of most of our resolutions anyway? It’s this discipline that allows us to achieve our goals.

It should be noted that some goals are not totally within our power to achieve. For example, landing a dream job or getting married. We can do things to make them more likely, but we can’t guarantee it. And again, it’s how we handle this adversity that matters. Learning to deal with pain and disappointment is an accomplishment well worth recognizing, though few would make it a goal of theirs.

So when the ball drops this year, don’t expect a fitter, more responsible you to take over, but do take stock of your failures and accomplishments for the year. And if you are ready, set a goal that you are willing to commit to, failures and all.

After hearing a lot of buzz, I finally went to see Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tonight. I haven’t read the books and I had few expectations aside from the graphic rape and torture scenes which a concerned friend had thoughtfully called to warn me about. With her warnings in mind (and a bit of internet research under my belt), I decided to see the movie but be ready to shield my eyes.
There were some upsetting scenes in the movie, but what upset me was that these scenes were rather tangential to the plot. The plot is about investigating a rapist, torturer, and murderer, yet the most disturbing scene takes place in a completely separate storyline whose main goal seems to be showing how tough the main character is. Which I feel we get anyway.
And she is tough. Her character is the driving force of the film. At once victim and hero, Lisbeth has no regard for social convention, which makes her attractive. The plot itself is a fairly typical murder mystery set in a remote and desolate island-slash-family compound.
Although it was refreshing to have the mystery solved rather than left hanging for a sequel, I admit I felt a bit of a let-down with how quickly and easily everything was sewn up. After all the hype, I was hoping for something a little more complex and worthwhile – especially considering the nasty scenes we had to endure. Overall, I’d give it a B-, worth seeing for Lisbeth’s character and the who-dunnit plotline, but not worth its overwhelming media attention.
Perhaps the book was better.

I just got a contract to write an ebook! The title will be How to Cope with Infertility. I’m excited to finally have a place to share my experience and hopefully help out others dealing with the same thing.

Also, see my guest post at

www.thethriftworld.com

Welcome to my new site! It’s still under construction, but check back soon for blog posts, book reviews, and more.